Just Like A Stalker

Have you ever been stalked? I have.

Twice, actually. Both for two years each by two different women who explicitly wanted to be me and did some extremely illegal things to me in their attempts to replace me in my own life, while telling outside people that they "wanted to be friends" with me. Friends do not do what they did. Friends do not display psychopathic tendencies and unwanted, unprovoked, and societally unacceptable behavior and call it "friendship."

Both stalked me for two years each. Both pathologically lied to outside people in their attempts to force me to give what they had demanded of me by providing fictitious accounts of situations that never even happened. No one asked me what I was experiencing or for my perspective; I was just blamed for things I never did or said and screamed at by people who should have had my best interest at heart. I do not trust those people to this day, since they let me down in such a profoundly disappointing manner and continued to behave as though any of the lies held any truth to my character or personality.

Those are both different stories... books, really, for another time. It was all demented, ironically.

However, if you consider it, someone with dementia can feel as though you (as their caregiver) are stalking them.

You know their routine.

You know their daily habits.

You know their likes and dislikes.

You know their preferences for a variety of things and occasions.

You know their medications, dietary needs, and all about their finances.

You know their appointments and schedule by heart.

You know what their house needs for maintenance and upkeep.

You know everything about them.

For them, at some point, they will not remember that they provided this information to you in order for you to effectively care for them.

They will not even remember how long you have known them or why things are the way they are at any given point in time.

While they may be confused about the arrangements they created with you in order for them to live safely, it is our job to remind them, as kindly and gently as possible, why we are doing what we are doing and that they gave permission for us to be doing the things we do for them.

Unlike stalkers, our behavior is completely legal, documented, and allows our loved ones to live in a way to extend their quality of life to the best of our abilities.

With this, if you have not started a log book for record-keeping of what you do with and for your loved one and the dates and times, I highly suggest that you find a notebook and begin writing things down.

I have done this for a variety of reasons, including when I was being actively stalked, to use as a reference for later for any legal action. We cannot depend on our memories to hold everything, so write down everything. This is especially important if you believe that you may need to pursue guardianship in the future. Start now.

Looking through the lens of our loved ones, I can completely understand how they can feel as though they are being stalked and out of control of their lives. My loved one does not remember anything spoken to them within hours. They do not even remember that they were with me within hours and tell me that their phone was "not working" when they were not even home!

It confuses them when we can immediately provide details that they do not remember.

And it rattles their confidence when we can answer their personal questions for them, when we find them faltering on their own.

We know this is our job. We signed up for this. But this balance of trying to provide information and the shockwave of confusion (and anger as well) from our loved ones is difficult and challenging.

Unlike stalkers, we are not trying to take away anything from our loved ones. We are trying to bolster them and their independence.

And this is a delicate tight-rope walk.

If we go too far in either direction, we are met with anger.

I am not sure about you, but my loved one has started telling people that I am the one who becomes angry, when the reality is that they are the one having outbursts directed at me.

If I answer their question, and it is not the answer they want to hear, they tell people that I am angrily yelling, reaming them out, or "on their back." When, in reality, I only answered their question or questions, and they did not like the answer.

This is why writing everything down is important.

It is also why communication with everyone is key as well.

My loved one's doctors, social workers, case manager, relatives, and friends know that their reality is demented due to their inability to use their memory. There is no short-term memory, so the brain attempts to compensate, which is dementia.

With that, keep the lines of communication open at all times and talk about what is happening. Keep doing what you are doing. Stay calm. Write it all down.

I'm in the same storm as you. I have never been through a case of dementia like what I am experiencing now, but I am taking it day by day. It is difficult, but we must keep going.