Build Your Confidence

Periodically, I will refresh my knowledge on caregiving. I recently took a three week caregiving course in December, provided through a social worker agency, to reinforce what I know, see if I was missing anything, and refresh myself for the benefit of the family member for whom I am caring.

While most of the information was primarily reenforcing what I am already doing and know, something that caught my attention was that of confidence. Sometimes, we are so focused on caring for the person that we unintentionally lose confidence in ourselves and our own abilities as caregivers.

That knocked me back because how true is that?!

I have been thinking about this statement because it is genuinely grounding and completely relevant.

Those with memory issues, cognitive decline, diagnosed dementia and Alzhemier's know at some level that they should be remembering what they are not remembering and, justifiably, are angry about it. They can be angry and fight back for years, yet they also know that they are unable to fully function on their own without you.

It is a strange dance and balance to attempt to provide all the care and meet the needs and wants for another adult; at the same time, their constant denial, objections, resistance, and anger take a toll on our confidence and perceptions of our own abilities.

It happens to all of us and to the best of us. More often, it happens when we are not paying enough attention to our own needs. One day, we look up, take a breath, and feel defeated.

The lost confidence in ourselves as caregivers is not often discussed, since there is usually so much to

discuss, keep track of, and schedule on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. Yet, the erosion of our confidence is subtle and consistent, almost as predictable as the physics behind the natural changes of a river. Still, the river never ceases; and so, caregivers must also persist with the new perspective and changes. Where we erode in one area, we build up in another. Thus, we need to continue forward, aware of possible shifts and delays from our own perceptions and what our loved one may misinterpret.

With that, when we begin to feel the weight of caregiving and feel sucked into a 24/7 role and/or perception and stuck there, it is time to take a step back, reflect on how we are doing ourselves, and build ourselves back up to be our best. Caregiving is stressful; we often do not sleep well, and our bodies learn to be on "full alert" at all times as the disease progresses in our loved ones.

While there is no stopping the march of time and the continued loss of memory in our loved one, we need to periodically take a break, no matter how small or how often, to remind ourselves that we own this and can do this.

I had not realized how defeated I was feeling for a while there. The person I care for was putting up a massive battle with everything I was doing that the doctors and medical team had ordered, suggested, and prescribed. Their lack of memory was up against my memory, reading comprehension, and abilities. Later, I learned that their specific behaviors is Sundowners, especially the slander, lies, and mixed up perceptions and beliefs.

However, during the time of the biggest obstacles, I had not noticed my confidence eroding. I found myself feeling buried, yet it was all a defense from my loved one, who was trying to hold onto more independence than they can really handle. It was not until we were at a doctor appointment with a new doctor who spoke in medical terminology, regardless if it were to a colleague or a patient. My loved one put on a good front, but I could tell they could not understand what was being said to them.

At that point, I could communicate with the doctor and relay the information in lay-man's terms to my loved one. My abilities shined, and it felt good. I felt my confidence coming back, and I realized that my confidence had been eroding due to the daily grind and struggle.

Even though we have many moments of doubt, especially when they are disagreeing with us, temperamental, and angry, it is wise to remember what we are able to do brilliantly.

It is important to remember what skills we have that make us fantastic caregivers. It is equally important to reflect on those skills and knowledge when we begin to feel burnt out and defeated. The signs of lost confidence can fly under the radar for a long time, so it is important to take moments to reflect when you felt confident, such as when you handle a situation well, used your skillset, or just had a good day. It may help to journal these little sparks we see in ourselves as reminders of our brilliance to look back on in the future.

Journaling, doodling, drawing, and sketching can be useful tools to remind us of what we are great at doing and what we are doing well to build up our confidence.

Remember that your confidence in yourself is important and will be reflected in the care you provide, so doing something for yourself to maintain your confidence is important.

This is hard work, regardless if we are acknowledged or paid. It is not nothing.

And as we approach Valentine's Day, I hope you remember to love yourself and treat yourself nicely as well. While we may scrutinize and criticize ourselves in our own thoughts, be gentle with yourself. And find a moment to enjoy Valentine's Day and show your loved one some love, too.