Who's and What's its?

August 8, 2023

I am sure you, as a caregiver, will have days (who am I kidding?! WEEKS!) where everything just circles. You feel as though you are stuck in an Abbott and Costello skit reminding the same person of who is on first, what is on second, and I don't know is on third and all the others of the different positions, nonstop. Don't you know?! I'm asking you?!

Naturally, right?

The one you are caring for just needs reminded constantly and consistently to the point that you already know exactly what they are going to say and ask you every time you see their name pop up on your phone's caller I.D. And it is not once or twice that they call to go over the details; it is every day or every other day until the day of whatever you are doing.

Whenever there is some impending event, I have to remind myself that I am going to get these calls nonstop. And I do try to have fun with it because these days are not going to last. Besides, the more fun you have with it; the less stressed you are in that moment, and that directly correlates to how stressed your family member will be in the moment and afterwards as well. So as much as it is painful to be reminded that they are not remembering names, times, places, and dates, regardless of how many times you tell them or they write it down (correctly or incorrectly), the goal is to be patient with them and yourself. And also find the humor.

I have quite a few conversations that follow in similar patterns to this:

"When's the girls' party?"

"What girls' party?" - Thinking of all the possibilities that statement could mean, since it is too generalized.

"The two girls' party?" (Okay. Two girls...)

"Oh, you mean [your relatives'] party?" - Realizing to whom the forgotten names belong

"Yes! What did you think I meant? Nevermind. When is their party?"

"[Loved one's relatives'] party is [upcoming on a date]."

"That's what I thought." - Clearly, since you asked me and did not use that information to verify your thought process and couldn't remember their names.

"Okay. Did you still want to go?"

"Are you going?"

"They are our [relatives], so we are planning on going. Would you like to go?"

"Oh. Umm.... I will have to think about it. It's on [wrong day] at [correct time]?"

"Okay. It's on [correct day] at [correct time]."

"[correct day] at [wrong time]."

"No, [correct day] at [correct time]."

"Let me write that down again."

"Okay. [Their names] party is..."

"Hold on. I need to find a pen."

....

"Okay. When is it?"

"[Their names] party is [correct date] at ...."

"Wait. Let me write.... [correct date]."

"Yes. at [correct time]."

"Okay."

And then this repeats in various ways for various things, especially if the piece of paper it was written on becomes lost, but this is very much the same concept and format for so many conversations.

I try to see the humor in this and just go with it. They are trying, and that is important. They know they are not remembering things, yet they are still very easily angered if the not remembering is brought to their attention. And because of this, they will bring anything they think YOU are not remembering to YOUR attention.

I had this happen this weekend. We were at our local apple orchard, which we adore, for a private event. They were providing hay rides using a tractor to pull the wooden trailer with hay bales for seating. My kids kept calling it a "tractor ride" because of the "huge tractor." Well, I called it a tractor ride to my loved one. Not a second was missed to get in my face and correct me with "hay ride." Honestly, it was both. At this stage, they know enough to know they are forgetting, but they are still there enough to correct you when they think you are wrong.

Does it matter? Nope.

However, I do encourage safe decisions. Not only was I corrected, but I was also told that my loved one also wanted to ride the hay ride. Yikes! I put it as delicately as possible that that idea was not a good one. In addition to constant pain in one hip, a brand new joint in the other hip, and, negating stairs, just not walking with a steady gait, I have heard more than ten years worth of complaints regarding previous bumpy four wheeling expeditions that left my loved one feeling sore and angry. And I can tell you that hay rides with tractors are bumpy. This was no exception with the bonus of steep hills in the orchard.

Regardless of how much you have to remind them of dates and times for the various events, appointments, and things that pop up in life, I encourage finding the humor as the silver lining. If they are cognizant enough to understand that parts of their memory are not working properly, they do not need reminding (because they will definitely remind you when they think you are not remembering things correctly, even when you are).

Take things day by day and appreciate them for where they are. They are aware enough to understand things are not how they should be, so they can get mean about their own failings. This is also an opportunity to not take that personally, because it is not you. Try to be positive and present for them. They need the extra set of ears and eyes and help. One day, they will trust you fully without any meanness, unnecessary correcting, or animosity, but there will be less of who they are as well at that point. Be present for them now and remember how silly these days are. Naturally.