Spinning, spinning, spinning

June 2, 2023

Happy June!! I hope you are having a beautiful day.

As in my previous post, I stated that I am still giving my loved one some more freedom. I am.

However, I am finding that they are getting stuck on a task and choosing to deflect anyone focusing on the fact that they are spinning.

What do I mean by spinning?

Specifically, they find one thing to focus on. In this case, it is always paperwork. They will refuse to go out and do something more fun or engaging because they choose to focus on paperwork, the same paperwork, for months on end. When I go over to their home, I find that they have all this paperwork laid out on a bench and keeps going back to the phrase "I can't find everything." They go through this continuous cycle of finding and losing the same exact papers for months, every single month.

Making this menial task of finding important documents more excruciating, they do not seem to understand how to prioritize one document over another due to the letterhead. As a result, there will be these stacks of papers from each company that are believed necessary, when they are not, due to the letterhead. For example, the same importance will be placed on a document stating a change, such as a change in address, as a document necessary for taxes based on the logo in the letterhead.

The idea that these papers needed to be found, which they do, but being unable to cognitively recognize which ones are needed or understand how to maintain a system to stay organized is a source of stress for my loved one. However, I will not be stepping in to take over. Instead, I stated "You seem to be having a difficult time with this. Can I help?"

At this point in time, they are still needing independence, and the more able they are, the better. Since this is a task that seems to be important for them, and always has, it is important to allow them to do this as much as possible. Would it be easier and more efficient for me to take over the task of her paperwork fully? Yes. The independence is more important, though. Furthermore, they would become distrustful, resentful, or a general feeling of me stepping on their toes if I did bring up the subject of taking it over, and that is something that should be avoided, for now.

So, for now, I will endure the process that they go through:

Finding papers

Losing papers

Finding the same papers again

Losing the same papers again

Finding the same papers again

"Filing" the papers away for a holiday or other reason

Unable to remember where those papers were "filed"

Searching the entire house for those papers

Laying them back down on the bench in piles

You can catch my drift. It is the same process, regardless of the type of papers needed, and it just cycles.

So why do I let this spinning happen?

This is how my loved one prefers to do this task. We are at a point where learning something new is not in their best interest, and this is how this task has been completed for years now. It is familiar. More importantly, it is theirs. They need to do this task this way because that is what they have always done. When we bring up the topic of doing something more fun, my loved one goes back to this task as a reason for not doing anything fun. We do not know why they would use this as an excuse for not making more social connections, but it is not our time to take this task away from the to-do list.

I have not carved out time to go over to their house to help just yet. We spent the month of May working through some personal life happenings involving our beloved dog and spent some time on some projects in the yard to prepare our house and yard for summer.

I am sure you will find that the person you are caring for has something they prefer to do themselves where they just spin like this. It is a repetitive, menial, task that you could work on and complete within an hour or so, at most; however, they need something to do that they have control over, regardless of the stage in cognitive or physical decline they are facing. Whether they recognize that how they are performing is normal, or not, does not matter. Nor is it a good idea to point out that this is not normal.

The take away from this: let them spin. Extend their deadline. Help them but do not take over. Allow them space. Make sure that the task gets completed at some point with or without your assistance, but let them feel accomplished in the task. They still need to feel as though they were able to feel good about it being completed, as they should!