Showboating

What do you do when "family members" showboat? Or anyone?

Usually, nothing. Let them misconstrue the representation they are showcasing. Yes, it is very annoying. The type of people who actually display showboating are usually very self-centered and need attention from others to feel good about themselves, even if that involves stretching the truth when in front of people they want to impress.

As a caregiver, it is very annoying and frustrating to have people showboat and exaggerate to make it look like a relationship is present with your loved one. In reality, you know these people are not really in your lives at all.

What do I mean by showboat?

By definition, it is behaving or performing in a way to attract attention or admiration from others. It is waiting until specific people and/or the most people are present to behave in a manner that would provide the most attention and response that is specifically being sought out.

And it can be an exaggeration of the truth that is used to manipulate people into thinking that something exists, such as a close-knit relationship when it is, in fact, not really there.

Sometimes, it is a ploy to test the waters to build a relationship. If that is the case, let it happen! That's fantastic!

Other times, it is just empty promises. With a different relative, other people would make a big show about being their presence. They would make these empty promises to that loved one with no real authenticity or initiative to keep those promises. Remember when we were kids and even your own kids: if a promise was made and broken, you remembered! You were hurt if it was not kept, and you were hurt if the promise was made just to make the other person feel good. It was the same in those scenarios. My loved one in that case was hurt because they got excited and let down hard.

So now I am careful because of instances like that. I let people brag and exaggerate the relationship to see what they will do when it is time to act and there is no more attention. I tell my children now that to do good deeds and acts, we do not need attention or even to brag. Honestly, I tell them and have them do nice, necessary things for others with me without needing any more attention and praise beyond the "thank you" that are returned to us in those moments. We should not be publishing what we do for likes to boost our egos because that is teaching ourselves that we cannot build it within ourselves, nor should the outside praise be our motivation to be good people. With that, I talk about and model the behaviors to teach my children that validation and confidence to do what is good and right to help others needs to come from within themselves, not from the attention and praise of others.

My loved one makes jokes with everyone. I mean EVERYONE. I am no exception. There are no actual persisting inside jokes with my loved one because they joke with everyone about almost everything. Sometimes I have to be careful because they cannot discern what is appropriate to joke about and will choose a topic that can cause more damage than good if teased, such as when something bad happens. Instead of responding with empathy or support, they start using that as a joke, which has been painful and hurt in the past. With a particular person, there was a joke about beans once or twice because of the personal dislike regarding eating beans. It is not unreasonable for the joke to be stuck in the mind of the individual, but my loved one did not hold onto it at that particular time.

The showboating occurred when the other person waited until as many people as possible were present to give my loved one a belated gift of beans, as though beans is a weekly, regularly occurring talking point or joke between them. (IF it becomes a recurring joke and point of connection in the future, I am all for that!) Yet, the need to give this gift when as many people as possible were present and misconstruing the perception of the relationship was perfectly acceptable to this individual and their relatives.

And correcting this in the moment would result with lies and support for the individual showboating. You can imagine the response of: "Oh, it's just a joke." Yet, they had to portray a relationship that does not exist just for attention?

A better joke would have been for my loved one to gift beans to the other individual, not the other way around, since it was my loved one who commented on the disdain for beans in the other individual. But as stated above, my loved one does not hold onto the jokes; the joke needs to be repeated and held onto more than once or twice. I know what this person has done for intensifying an inside joke with their friends in the past. Sometimes it is appropriate, and sometimes it is nonsensical.

It is not the joke about beans that was disconcerting for me, though. It was the inauthenticity of the behavior that required using my loved one for attention in front of people this individual and their desired audience that they wanted to impress for a moment. That was the problem. Misconstruing and misrepresenting a relationship that does not exist or is not fully there to give the idea of being close-knit for attention seeking purposes.

As a caregiver, I am sure you know to avoid this type of person. Those who only show up and want attention are a headache just by themselves. We have enough going on that we could be spending our time more constructively. Again, if they are doing this in attempts to build the relationship; that is good, but it also hard to see if that is the case in the moment. The last thing we want are people who are going to pretend to have any part of our or our loved one's lives just for "likes" in any context. And the worst part is that they do not care about the collateral damage that they cause in their wake. But they got people laughing for a moment, right?!?! They also stretched the truth (lied) to do it.

Overall, I truly do have a distaste for disingenuous people, and I know which ones do not have good intentions. After catching them in their own lies enough and feeling the tension of a competition with them that was created within their heads and projected onto us, these people actively ostracize us on a regular basis, which has been going on for the better part of a decade now. While they can believe whatever they want, it is a relief to not be in their presence. We are just trying to live our lives without them while protecting those who cannot discern intentions on their own anymore.

And my loved ones did not appreciate being used for showboating, either. It was inappropriate at best and confusing for the person afterwards, especially when empty promises are involved.

Besides, using the elderly for jokes in this manner is not really something admirable. I know these people will not care, though. And that, in its entirety, is the reason we do not care that no relationship actually exists and do not respond or push in any capacity; let it go, so it can be over.

We have also learned that there really is no room for discussion with this type of person anyway. They literally spend the entire time talking about themselves, and we let them. There is usually no room for real conversation anyway; anything you have to say is usually twisted and used against you in some fashion, when the reality is that you were trying to have a discussion. From a boat load of experience, talking about ourselves results in them using the information to find ways to get themselves more attention in the future, even if it means they are taking our ideas and thoughts and pretending they came up with those ideas themselves or stating that you are causing drama because you did not agree fully with them.

Perhaps you have noticed this type of behavior in your life as well. Maybe you are lucky and have not. Or maybe you did not know what words to put to it. Regardless, keep your head up, and let the rude moments roll off your back and do not sink to a lower level to correct them. Correcting this type of person is mostly impossible because they take it as a personal attack to their ego, especially in front of the people they wanted to impress, and they have already shown you that they are perfectly complacent with lying. They are stuck in their own bubble and cannot perceive that their actions are inappropriate. Be grateful when you are not really related to them. And if you are related, like I am with others who have done this sort of behavior in the past, I wish you patience. At a certain point, there is no obligation to spend time with them, and we do not any longer. Protect your peace.

Tolerate them when you have to and move on. Maybe make boat noises to annoy them in the middle of their showboat performance? But they would not get that joke.

Be careful out there.