Wait... Let's Reflect on Something Negative?

October 17, 2023

I cannot believe that it is already mid-October. Mental Health Awareness Month has come and gone. I have spent a lot of time reflecting on what different things impact and contribute to our mental health, in terms of being a caregiver. Today's post focuses on one subject matter that is brought up among A LOT of caregivers. Warning: it stands out in a negative light.

Over the years, I have given a lot of advice and guidance for the first steps for taking action for loved ones regarding the financial and medical aspects. Also throughout these years, I have seen questions regarding the healthy family members that seem to disappear and leave all the heaviness of caregiving on the caregiver alone. I refer to these people as the absent family member.

Not only that, but I have also read about so many heartbreaking stories about the cruel and ignorant behavior, words, and choices from healthy, absent family members towards the caregiver of an elderly or long-term-ill family member. I have also read and reached out to those who considered suicide because of the combination of the heaviness and heartache of feeling so alone in their own journeys within their own families. If you are on that edge, there is still hope. Stay. Please.

This is a lot to deal with; and these questions, feeling the need to vent, the guilt and stress, feelings of being so alone as a caregiver and angry are justified.

We tell our kids that it is healthy and perfectly normal to feel the feelings they feel. We are working on teaching them healthy coping skills and outlets for big emotions. All of this is true for everyone, especially caregivers. Sometimes, you need to remind yourself that it is okay to not feel okay about things and seek healthy ways to process it.

Feel what you feel.

Did another family member tell you:

They would be there?

That they were “only a phone call away?”

Only, they were not.

Not only that, but they dismissed how you felt and justified their absence with “my work matters more because I get paid.”

-OR-

They bring up that their situation is more important than yours, even though they have never asked or even been inclined to learn what you are doing. They simply consider themselves more important than you.

- OR-

They do absolutely nothing to help and know nothing of the caregiving world, yet they look at you with indifference and entitlement in their eyes while they tell you that “you do nothing” or “you don’t know what it’s like to wait to hear how [loved one] is doing in the hospital/their treatment/their illness/etc.”

They act as though they have an “up” over you, just because they are related but do nothing along the lines of actual caregiving; they are literally only waiting to hear about the person and want to literally tell you how "hard" that is. Regardless, they have nothing to do with the person's ailments, care, needs, or anything at all in reality outside of visiting at their own convenience. Yeah, that is so rough.

My best friend, bless her beautiful heart, literally grabbed my arm and pulled me away from a toxic situation when a “family member” said cruel words to my face in front of her about how I 'did not know what it was like to have a sick family member in the hospital and having to wait for news.' Not only did this “family member” not have a clue about my history or my background, this “family member” also had no clue what I was doing as a caregiver at that time. They literally had never taken the time to truly get to know me, in general, yet they had the audacity to speak to me as though they are an expert in my life. Luckily, this person is not directly related to me or my father.

If you have not had time to read my introduction or this is your first time visiting my blog, here is a short recap: At that time, specifically, I was caring for my father and was quite literally driving all over our state to take control of his accounts, driving my father all over for appointments and necessities, while being a full-time new mom to our first born, finishing up a second degree, and still trying to get organized from our cross-country move, let alone also caring for that "family member's" younger children three days a week. That was "nothing," though, and I, apparently, "don't know what it's like to wait...."

To. WAIT. Ha!

After that cruel moment, my best friend quietly told me how angry she was with this “family member” and how that person was always so horrible to me and did nothing constructive. My best friend was angrier than I was. In retrospect, I was in shock due to the attack, since that was an attack on me.

One aspect of this blog is to let caregivers for their family member(s) know that these situations happen far too often. I have heard similar stories far, far too many times.

• The absent family member laments about how hard it is to have another family member who is ill.

• The absent family member swoops in “at the last minute” and then posts all over social media and tells anyone and everyone who will tolerate listening to them about how they were there for the sick family member in 'their most dire hour,' while you, the actual caregiver, “were not.” Most of the time, the reality is that you are still working behind the scenes... Every. Single. Day. AND on call 24/7/365. Not them. Hospice has some great stories, but I digress.

• The absent family member randomly shows up ONCE to randomly change things and then disappears into their black hole again, leaving everything for you to deal with.

• The absent family member makes promises to the sick family member and never keeps their word, leaving the responsibility to fulfill the promise on the caregiver’s shoulders, instead of having one thing lifted off of the caregiver’s to-do list.

• The absent family member promises the caregiver one day off from caregiving, but they back out of their promise at the last minute or ghost the caregiver altogether when the day arrives.

The list can continue into infinity. I won't even start on the legal things that absent family members suddenly change to legally cut out their own siblings, oftentimes one or more of their siblings is/are the caregiver(s). It is heartbreaking.

I do want to acknowledge that not all absent family members are aware of their absence. Also, this is not stating that all absent family members are malicious and intent on creating drama and harm. This post is focusing on the ones do and have caused harm, pain, anger, and frustration to the caregiver, primarily because these actions are done far more than only once or twice. These choices are consistently done on a repeated basis, usually for years, which makes them so devastating to someone who is actively caring for a family member, intentionally making the caregiver feel alone and overwhelmed. And being under repeated stress, let alone additional unnecessary distress from cruel actions, already has health implications for caregivers of family members. Your health matters, too!

Your frustration and anger are completely valid. No one seems to see you and everything you are doing. Worse still, it leaves you feeling that these family members do not care. You are doing them a favor by taking care of your elderly and/or sick family member, while they get to enjoy life however they want. And most of us are doing it at the expense of our careers, love life, and any future we actually wanted to pursue before we realized what state our loved one was living. Everything gets put on hold to care for our loved one; and yes, they are worth it. I cannot tell you how many times I have encountered this scenario in the support groups I belong to and how frustrated people are by how they are treated by healthy family members. This happens all over the world.

However, finding that one person who is so supportive and safe that they get angrier than you in these types of situations is such a great thing. When you have something so horrible spoken or done directly to you by someone who has no clue about your life that you end up speechless in shock at their audacity, that safe person's fire rages on your behalf. I love that kind of friendship and support. I wish my best friend lived next door.

I know it is equally hard and sometimes impossible, given whatever circumstances you may find yourself in, to find a person, let alone several, that will hold this type of flame for you when you feel completely burnt. I mean, how can you find a person when you don’t even get a day off of work like a ‘normal’ person? There are no "off" hours.

It is so beneficial to your health to not hold the negative emotions in; however, finding time to leave your loved one for some needed time for yourself can be extremely difficult, especially when they need around-the-clock care. Even if you make a specific effort to call and connect with your support, please try to do so on a regular basis. Your mental health is so important, not only for you, but for your loved one and their wellbeing as well.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about the horrible words, ignorant thoughts, cruel actions, and broken promises of the absent family member, but it is equally important to accept that their actions and choices have nothing to do with you. It is all them. Like most empathic people, I internalized the cruelty I was receiving. In turn, this fueled this “family member” to continue to ostracize and isolate me from support. They had no reason to stop, and they were getting what they wanted out of the interactions.

Did they actually step up to be the person/people they preached to others that they said they were and wanted to be to with me, even before they saw me struggle? NO. Worse still, they never let me speak whenever I was around them and behaved as though I was not there, even when we were on good terms; it is always as if I am attending some show where they are the center of the universe.

If you find yourself in this type of situation, take deep breaths and remember that you are not them. (That's a good thing!)

Like so many of the caregivers in similar situations, I learned how to pull myself out of the dark and relight my own internal flame. I learned they were not really family or support to me and began the search for better people elsewhere in which to surround myself. This is one of the main reasons this blog exists, so others can find some solace, support, and burn a little brighter in their daily lives. Perhaps you are doing this right now.

So many others have horrifying experiences within their own families. Even now, I am still learning of the actions that this “family member” chose to take against us, just to exclude us from things we were supposed to be included in. Now I am passing on the lessons I learned and what I am seeing from others. Hopefully, you can have a better experience or at least be prepared.

I know it hurts. I read in the support groups how much this type of behavior, negativity, and isolation hurts fellow caregivers within their own families.

I get it.

I really do.

With Mental Health Awareness Month done and gone, I wanted to reflect on the things that bring our moral, motivation, and sense of self-worth down. It is unrealistic to be positive all the time and ignore what is hurting us. So much appears to hinge on 'pivotal' family members whose opinions really should not be considered, since they do not add value to any situation of which they speak. They literally add hot air and negativity where none is needed.

You are allowed to "drop" these people, the same way in which trees drop their leaves every Fall. You have no obligation to cater to people who only harm you and find joy in the pain they cause. Even if they turn and lament to others that you 'changed,' understand that they are only trying to get you back to continue using you to step on. They want attention, and you do not have to give your time, energy, or anything to them. Being around people like this is extremely draining anyway; they only seem to take and never give.

With that in mind, as hard as it is, try to let it go and do your best to provide the best care for your loved one, regardless. You know what shoes you are wearing and what you are capable of doing. And your heart is so much bigger. You wouldn't be caregiving if you didn't have a heart or compassion, right? Hopefully, you are not pushing others down to feel good about yourself.

Try to focus on the good in your life, your healthy relationships and support. Find an outlet for the anger and frustration that is healthy. For me, it was getting organized, journaling, meditating, my creative hobbies, giving to those in need and volunteering, having people to call to talk with, and exercising. Sometimes, screaming/yelling and singing loudly helps because it allows you to voice the hurt and immediately release the pain. This is actually advice that widows/widowers give to each other when one of their spouses passes away, so the credit goes to them.

However, be careful where and how you do this. I have done this mostly in the car while driving in the countryside; but it never leaves my mind that this “family member” is really 'surveillance' who usually misconstrues and twists things to fit their derogative. They have even stood underneath our windows to hear private conversations when we stopped talking with them because we learned what they were doing. There is always an ulterior motive with them, usually to find fault and a reason to speak fictitious stories of me to others (and sometimes to say their horrible opinions of me to my face in whispers when others are not nearby) for the purpose of raising themselves, feeling powerful, and manipulating situations. That literally makes them smile. No joke. These people exist. (Be glad you are not them. It is all ridiculously childish and selfish.)

No matter what, though, do not retaliate or try to fix this issue because they see no issue in their behavior and choices. In my experience, speaking up about this treatment comes back to me being the person “at fault” and "the problem" for trying to bring it up as unacceptable behavior to fix in the first place (solely because I am the only one who feels offended and hurt), which adds insult to injury. Anyone who makes you feel as though you are "less than," whether it is intentional or unintentional, does not deserve a seat at your table, especially if they refuse accountability for their actions. Besides that, time is the most valuable commodity you have, so use it wisely.

Choose joy and good people.

Power through the bad times as best as you can.

Remember who you are helping care for and how much they need you and love you for you, just the way you are.

If it helps, remember that you can say "no" to those other "family members" now and in the future, if they ever come to you asking for help. That was a little dark and goes against my nature, but it is true. Sometimes you have to say "no" to protect yourself. I also suggest not lowering yourself to their level. Keep your head up and continue being yourself.

I suggest that you also do not add more to what you are doing. Caregiving for another adult IS a Full-Time JOB, regardless if you are or are not paid. Ignore the people who enjoy trying to bring you down and add stress to your life. By all means, feel free to write down all the details of what they say to you, making sure to include the date, time, and any other pertinent information of the encounters. Journaling is a powerful tool, after all, and record keeping is a valuable skill, especially as a POA and Rep Payee. Others will see their true colors eventually without your involvement; it is common knowledge that these types of people do tend to speak ill of everyone behind their backs in time. Accept that they are the way they are and surround yourself with things and people that lift you up, make you feel good about yourself, and motivate you to be your best self and grow.

Some key take-aways for now that may be good starting points for journaling:

• Acknowledge what you are feeling and try to understand why you are feeling what you are feeling. Sometimes, this is extremely obvious.

• Find an outlet for the anger. Another point is that the anger is usually a secondary emotion, meaning that some other emotion or aspect, such as being mistreated, ignored, or excluded, contributed to create the anger. Do not hold onto any of it. Do not retaliate or react.

• Make decisions from a grounded standpoint. Making decisions based off of emotions will only create more issues.

• Acknowledge and attempt to begin accepting people for who and what they are, their limitations, and whether or not they are really your support.

• Do NOT accept criticism from anyone you cannot go to for advice.

• Find your support, your safe people, and ask for help and time together.

• Look for things that make you happy, whether that is a cup of tea or coffee, a walk outside, a hobby, meditation, exercising, meeting friends when you can, or anything else that brings you joy. Even five minutes can make a difference each day.

• Start recognizing your strengths and all the good things about yourself.

• Consider some goals or dreams you want for your future, reflect on those, and start journaling about the possibilities for setting up a plan for yourself. Give yourself something to look forward to in the future. No, it does not have to be anything big. Small dreams are just as amazing as big ones. Being realistic is important for achievability.

• Lastly, try to get some rest. I know it is hard. Sleep is so important, though.

A quote I happened to stumble upon by Christy Ann Martine really struck a chord with me:

"Those who judge others rarely question themselves.

Finding false security in the illusion of superiority."

This is a perfect reminder for yourself with regards to the absent family members and anyone else who judges, mistreats, or causes you pain or harm in any way to feel good about themselves.

Also, another phrase that is making the rounds now is "Let Them." Let them speak however they want; they are going to do it anyway. Let them make up the stories they share about you; you know your worth and what you are actually doing. Let whatever they say roll off your back. Let it have no effect on you, which takes a lot of learning and unlearning to do because who does not want to defend themselves and their reputation? (IF they go too far, it is defamation, which is illegal to do to another person but also hard to prove. On the same note, do not talk about them, either.)

Simply. Let. Them.

With that, I hope that anyone who has gone through or is currently going through anything similar to what I explained above gets to a point in their own life and journey where those people and those actions no longer matter and no longer impact anything in your life, regardless if they are still trying to see if they can harm you, take control, etc. or if they finally stopped. I hope you never feel the urge to do anything that would match their level of disrespect and dehumanization. If we lose our sense of humility, what is the real cost? I wish you all the best, as well as strength and grace to rise above anything causing you pain and stress in your life.

No matter what, you are enough. You are amazing. You matter. Hang in there. You are not alone.

If you are still feeling suicidal, please seek help immediately. You are so important!

The Suicide Hotline number is 988. Someone is always available to talk.

There are also nation-wide, state-wide, regional, and local areas to reach out for more localized support.

• The Help Network of Northeast Ohio is regional to NE Ohio. Call 211 for local services.

• The Kristin Brooks Hope Center provides national support with counselors through their Hopeline: 1-800-442-HOPE (4673)

• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

or Text "4HOPE" to 741 741

• The National Institute of Mental Health Information Resource Center 1-888-826-9438

• To search for a helpline for your area, click this link: https://findahelpline.com/

Again, I want to reiterate that not every absent family member is malicious or a negative person. Oftentimes, there are wonderful family members who are simply letting you do your thing because you are great at taking care of your loved one and know the caregiving world better than they do. I have three absolutely wonderful siblings, myself, who fit this category. Sometimes, family members need reminding to be a little more involved on a regular basis to give the caregiver much needed breaks for their own wellbeing, since caregivers do not work normal hours that provide breaks. This post specifically focused on the intentionally malicious absent family member because that is a major source of (unnecessary) stress, anger, and pain for caregivers that is often over-looked, down-played, or ignored altogether when attacks happen. Yes, this does happen far more than it should.

**Life Along the Lake is in no way affiliated with any caregiving support group, suicide hotline, or mental health services. The information provided is for the purpose of helping those who may need guidance and support and is easily searched for free. Life Along the Lake, and its owner, are not responsible for the interpretation of the perspective of any given reader of this content. All content is owned by Rose Gold Initiative, LLC.**