Lessons we can learn from Dolly

As many of us know, Dolly Parton passed away earlier this week. She was an inspiration, a massive talent, and one of the most caring human beings. What came as more of a surprise than the shock of her death was the shock of learning that she put off her own health while caring for her husband, Carl. The main article from CNN can be read by clicking here.

If someone with a huge family, huge support and success, and wealth chose to put off their own health issues while caregiving, what does that say about our healthcare system? More importantly, what does that say about our society and the role of caregiving?

Like most of us, Dolly and her husband preferred a private life with their own health and decisions left out of public view. Respectfully, I would not disagree with that at all. I enjoy keeping my personal life private. However, I cannot wonder if I would have asked for help more often, if I were in her shoes. I know I would choose to take care of my husband as well, personally, but how would the trajectory change if more support were given to allow her to also rest and take care of herself as needed? Wouldn't there have been a plan in place for both of them to have the support, respite, and care they BOTH needed?

Dolly had discussed how important it was to her that she took incredible care of her husband. That, in itself, is commendable. However, she also stated that in doing so, she neglected herself. I have learned from doing this, caregiving for family members, for over ten years will not earn you a gold star or even a pat on the back. I could not even get anyone to show up for me when I asked. Everyone is so engrossed in their own personal lives that they forget that someone is putting their life on hold to do what they refuse to acknowledge most days. Even with raising my kids, I caught myself scheduling a doctor's appointment immediately at the description of pain for my children, while simultaneously calculating when to schedule my own wellness check up and putting it off. I still put off my own health because I find it difficult to prioritize myself when my children are with me 24/7 and my loved one needs me 24/7.

Something tells me that Dolly had more options than I do, though. So why put off her health?

Unfortunately, that is not a question she can answer anymore, and it does no good to speculate.

What we can do is learn from this. Do not put off your own health. Book the appointment, schedule respite, find some way to help yourself. What I have learned is that no one is coming to help most days, so do what you can with what you have. Because none of us are promised tomorrow.

How can we fit it into our schedule? Plan it ahead. And keep it. Because we are important, too. We must prioritize our health. Without our health, we have nothing. Really. And to do that, we must internalize the belief that we are important. Take a moment and say out loud: I am important. My health, life, and dreams matter. That feels good, right? I encourage you to do that everyday. Go a step further and say it to yourself in the mirror. Love yourself. Respect what you are doing. And give your body the chance to let go of the stress for a moment. It is hard to do, but worth the effort.

This summer has found me in a state of prolonged stress. I found that I was clenching my jaw not at night, but mostly during the day because of how rambunctious my children were behaving. They are not so little anymore, and they are active! They are also clumsy and easily make choices that caused run-ins with each other, like children who actively play do. It is normal.

But the toll on myself was felt. Our bodies hold onto the stress, even when we are not completely aware of it. This also happens with my loved one. I automatically tense up because I have no idea what will trigger an outburst or anger, which feels like every word I say. To be fair, every word I say is oftentimes the exact opposite of what they want me to say.

What can we learn from Dolly?

1. We don't have to stop caring for our loved ones, but we need to love ourselves, too.

2. We are important, too.

3. Our health matters. Keep up with our own health and body.

4. Make the appointments and schedule time for ourselves.

5. Choose yourself when you can carve out the time. You may need to carve out the schedule, even if it is just 5 minutes to meditate, listen to your body, and/or massage that tense jaw.

We do not need to stay silent about the stress and weight we are carrying with us. Yes, there is a boundary for maintaining privacy. I am an advocate for privacy, but we need to be able to find resources and support when we need it. How do we do that?

In my state, Direction Home has regional offices that can be contacted.

The Department of Jobs and Family Services can be reached out to for a case manager to discuss what you need as a caregiver and for asking for regional assistance.

There are resources through doctor offices and hospitals that you can ask for.

Start making noise and asking for help. Be annoyingly consistent when you are following up on your requests. You will need feel like you are calling too much, but from my experience that is what needs to happen. And you need to be speaking with consistency, clarity in what you need, calmness, and confidence.

I coach individuals in how to speak with confidence to get what they need in a calm, clear, and direct manner, especially when you have only a tiny window to speak freely about what you need. Calmness, politeness, and clarity in your goals and voice will get you through doors that anger, agitation, and annoyance literally shuts.

But you have to put yourself in the position to being able to receive help as well. Asking about the resources and stating that you need them are two different categories. Sometimes desperation comes off as wanting to learn about them, and may not be clear that you are in need. So be clear on what you are attempting to achieve in a clear manner. I highly recommend writing down what you plan on saying and make a list of what you need. Once written, say it out loud and hear how it sounds. Make changes as necessary in writing. And then read it out loud again to hear again how it sounds. Do this as many times as you need to. Not only are you creating the outline of the dialogue that you need, but you are creating your own goals and needs by writing it down. Now they are achievable.

I also recommend on being mindful of what can be accomplished in one phone call. Not every service or assistance can be achieved at every resource. Prior to making those calls, look at your list and begin researching where you can potentially receive the assistance you are looking for. A senior center or a senior day care would be a great starting point for you to learn about to give yourself some respite. Your loved one's primary care physician office can provide information and scheduling for a social worker, county services, and additional information for assisting you with future planning. Differentiation of services is also important because there is no magic phone number to call to have everything taken care of.

Also, do not be afraid of failure, disappointment, and learning that a service will not work out.

A new senior center with senior adult day care opened up in my area within the last year or so. The opening was widely anticipated with general excitement from everyone in the community. However, this particular senior center was income-based. This means that to be approved for my loved one to just roll through their doors that they would have to be approved to use the senior center prior to even going there. So no, this senior center literally locked out most seniors because they do not qualify. While this was initially disappointing because I was looking forward to using their adult day care services, it was a massive blessing in disguise. I later learned that this income-based measure was causing many of the individuals and their families massive issues because the senior center was messing up their insurance coverage. In my point of view, this was a massive avoided mess. That is a blessing in disguise.

With that, not every rejection or dismissed or unqualifiable option is worth the time to mourn. Do not mourn a closed door; move on to the next option and save your energy for your next goal.

When I do this, I find that my page is messy with notes and usually expands to additional pages in my notebook. I am writing nonstop during the phone calls. I find that if I ask, there is usually another name and phone number to write down to call about something else. There are people and services out there to assist us, but we need to take the time to sit down, write, be clear, and keep a positive mindset. Even though someone may not be able to do something that was asked about, they usually know someone else who might or would know how to connect you further.

Take the chance. Be clear. And do not neglect or give up on yourself. Everything takes time, and you and your health are worth the time it takes to find yourself a way to schedule time for yourself.

Most importantly, when you do this, be patient. Do not be in a rush or hurry. You will be put on hold more often than not, transferred throughout a building, and told to call someone else. You may need to be willing to leave a voicemail for a returned call later. There is usually nothing too quick about finding assistance, especially at the cold call stage, so patience is important as well.

I also implore you to find ways to cut additional stressors and time vampires.

Make another list of what takes up your time. Is it grocery shopping? Cleaning? Repairs? Lawncare and gardening? Things your loved one believes is missing/broken/needs moved?

How much time do you spend doing that?

I began delegating weekly tasks because I do not have time to do them myself. I use instacart for weekly grocery shopping and have the groceries delivered. I ask for help with house repairs and maintenance. I hired a lawncare professional. I will note that you should make sure you are present to discuss the lawncare and not rely solely on email communication, as my loved one went outside and completely changed the lawncare itinerary because they were worried about the cost.

(With memory loss, dementia, and Alzheimer's, you will hear a lot of distressed talk about not knowing if they "have enough money to live." When they are not the one in charge of finances and tracking expenses, remind the professionals that you hire that you are the one hiring them. Not your loved one.) I am still dealing with the lawncare person not doing what needs to be done because of my loved one's interference.

Keep track of everything. I highly recommend not trying to count on your own memory for every task. It is overwhelming and exhausting. And depending on whether you are a guardian or not, you may need to be able to provide the information within three days, including the days it takes for the county mail to reach your address. My county gives three days; including the time it takes to reach me, I only had two days to return it with the required information.

Be organized.

Be mindful.

Be clear.

Write everything down in an organized way that is easy to access and find in a moment.

Be patient.

Take care of yourself.

Use the resources that you can. They are worth the time it takes to find them, talk to them, and set up something to allow you time for yourself. Always follow up and stay in communication.

Delegate where you can.

Be responsible.

None of this should be new information. But I do need a reminder myself every now and again. Learning from Dolly, do not forget to love yourself. Your health and care is important, too.

This blog is not affiliated with Dolly Parton or CNN in any way. No exchange of money or goods or services are received through any transaction. Any and all information provided is not to be used instead of a professional doctor's advice, and we are not responsible for how it is used. Use it with your own discretion.