Less Thoughts. More Food

For the past two years, food has been a struggle for my loved one. It isn’t that meals and treats aren’t enjoyed; however, understanding the power of food in our daily lives is being missed and forgotten entirely. I can write an entire book about the power of food and how it impacts our daily lives, especially when a healthy diet is followed over decades.

What do you do when the person you are caring for continues to eat whatever they want, regardless of what their health status is and what their doctors say? How can you get them on a schedule, instead of letting them skip meals to only binge on one very large meal or two or junk food?

Honestly, not much, especially if they are still able to live mostly independently.

For the first year and a half, I allowed the person I am caring for to attempt to adjust their diet on their own.

What happened? Nothing.

They only seemed to care when in front of other health-conscious individuals, their doctors, and myself. Yet, the test results would come back with the same numbers at each doctor’s appointment, and the doctors would say the same thing.

During the car rides home, I was always asked what the doctor meant (about everything, not just food) and why a specific food list was not provided. In general, nothing that the doctor discussed was understood, even though my loved one answered “yes” when asked if the information was understood.

Also, I had to explain that she did not request a food list or for her doctor to explain cholesterol or anything because she had answered “yes” when they asked her about those things.

There I was, each and every time, explaining cholesterol, food, heart health, and healthy choices just to be told to provide lists. I provided the answers; I do have a great deal of knowledge, experience, and understanding in health-related content.

However, I know, for a fact, that any lists I give will be forgotten and ignored in favor of the next dozen cookies this person sees. Lists with words I know will not be understood.

Then there are the cycles of repeating myself.

At first, this was every three to six months. Then it was every three weeks. Now, it is every week. Again, I was being mindful to let this person be independent. What I learned is that this person has no control over their impulses to indulge themselves. When confronted or asked about their food choices, which would include weekly pie and cookie binges, I was met with anger. “Aren’t I allowed to have what I want every now and then?” Every now and then? Yes. Several times every week or every day? No.

The problem with this is that the concept of time does not exist for this person. They are forgetting when they last ate something; so, to them, it has been a while, even though it was yesterday or a day or two ago. The lack of short-term memory is really unhelpful for someone who has a massive sweet tooth. Let alone the fact that they buy entire pies, not individual slices, and dozens of cookies at a time to eat all in a week or less. They will literally eat 6-8 cookies in place of a meal. When we are young, that’s one thing; but when you are told to not eat cookies altogether, unless it’s one or two singular cookies for a special occasion, due to your health, you would think this would be heeded.

To hide what they were choosing to eat each week, they refused to go grocery shopping with me or provide a list of groceries. When I did get groceries for them, I found that I was providing excess because they were not eating what was already in their fridge.

They also refused to eat with us. Not that they were interested in spending time with us anyway, but they began using our food choices as a reason to stay away as well. I was accused of using “too much heavy cream” in my broccoli cheddar soup, for example, when the reality is that I substitute pureed cauliflower mixed with almond milk for the heavy cream. While I let that excuse slide, it is interesting that healthy food makes this person feel like they ate “heavy” food. Whenever I offered to bring food over or have them over to eat with us, excuses were made to avoid us. Healthy eating just does not align with their interests, and they do not want me to see what they are choosing.

It is that simple. This is a form of "masking."

This last Fall, I was able to set up a food delivery service from BistroMD, which is a food meal plan service that caters to specific dietary needs. We looked at several services, including Sunbasket, Home Chef, and several others that were compared with our own requirements of not needing to cook, only warm up pre-made healthy meals within the diet constraints, and choice of selection when it comes to tailoring preferences each week. (If you look through the money saving websites, you can find deals or cash back, such as through Rakuten or Groupon. Rakuten will give cash back for BistroMD right now, as of January 22, 2024. I am not affiliated with any of these businesses, so I have no idea how long any of these deals will last.)

This worked for a few months, until this person started deciding that they were better off eating whatever they wanted again. Every month, I needed to discuss why this service was needed and why they were getting food. Different excuses were brought up, which I addressed by contacting the company and changing the meal preferences. I was attempting to work from the all-inclusive meals to the specific meal plan that my loved one needs, but they were treating this service like they did not get any choices, which was incorrect. They had complete control; I just made the adjustments with the dietitians to have the meals tailored to their needs and taste preferences.

It is draining to do this with a difficult person, especially one that neither enjoys, nor wants to meal plan, make healthy choices, or cook. They literally do not want to cook or communicate.

When I do bring up healthy food choices, I am met with childhood memories of theirs that are full of disgust. “We ate rice every day for breakfast on the farm! I never want to eat rice again.” They never choose rice; they always choose some indulgent alternative. When I take this person out for the rare breakfast at a restaurant, they usually choose something with steak, sometimes fried steak. Their dietary needs are not remembered or cared about. I usually brush this off because I do not want to feel like I am always reminding them to make healthier choices every time I see them.

And talking about what they need to be healthy only makes this person angry with me. I get told that I “lecture” this person enough, yet they do not understand why I am bringing this subject up, again. I am watching them destroy what little of their health is left, and they are enjoying every indulgent bite. However, they are not understanding why they can no longer walk through a store on their own, get tired from doing nothing, and are winded quickly.

I know they do not understand their body, diet, or how food impacts their health. They have told me on several occasions. Yet, they do not want to learn how to be better. When I provide guidance, they act like I am acting superior when I am trying to be helpful. I understand part of this is the memory loss and those issues because of the paranoia. A lot of this has absolutely nothing to do with me; it is more about their inability to understand and control themselves.

What do I do? I provide guidance, again, and take a step back. I discontinued their food service meals due to a surgery and rehabilitation, and I am probably going to wait to do anything else with food until speaking with their doctor.

I have accepted that I am going to make this person angry for the foreseeable future.

Anyone else in similar circumstances are going to make their loved ones angry as well, especially when you do not just indulge them and enable poor dietary choices. However, there is only so much you can do.

It is a fine balance that is not easy. I can say that this would be much easier if this person lived with us and did not get complete control over their own diet.

The irony here is that they moved closer to us to join us in our meals weekly because they did not want to cook and know that my husband and I cook healthy meals, often from scratch, on a daily basis. We genuinely enjoy eating healthy and finding ways to incorporate vegetables in new and different ways in our cooking.

I grew up around family members with different dietary restrictions, such as diabetes and my own lactose intolerance and childhood health restrictions, and learned how to be careful about how food was prepared to allow everyone to enjoy the same meals. My grandmother really taught me how to be conscious of cholesterol, healthy fats, and natural sugars when I was young while also teaching me how to garden and grow vegetables and fruit, so I literally grew up prepping meals and baking using alternative, healthier substitutes. I have always been fascinated with cooking and baking and how to be health-conscious about it. Now, as an adult, I truly love making food that everyone, regardless of their dietary restriction, can enjoy in one and the same meal. Anyone that comes to our house knows that my husband and I really care about what is in our food, so we try to make it as accommodating as possible to take the pressure of worrying about whether it is safe to eat, while also making it as healthy and as delicious as possible. It is a love language.

While we did not expect that our loved one's diet is so indulgent that eating healthy causes stomach issues for them, I did reach out and discussed this with a certified dietitian.

Apparently, we (and everyone in general) cannot just switch from eating so unhealthily to eating healthy on a daily basis because the gut is so used to the normal diet. There needs to be a gradual transition to allow the gut to acclimate to the changes. So I was slowly adjusting the diet through the meal plan to reach the main goal of eating healthy on a daily basis. This is no longer going to work, however, because that meal plan was canceled with no intentions of my loved one renewing it due to the belief that they can manage just fine on their own.

Why? Because they were doing just fine before this, in their mind. They are not remembering their actual health or any of the conversations with anyone, though. Again, we are circling and going through this continuous cycle of believing they are in peak health based off of their own demented, false reality.

So, as the person who cannot do anything but provide guidance and suggestions at this point in time, I am left shaking my head as I literally watch them polish off a literal stack of cookies in place of a meal.

I am taking a break for now and will be back at asking questions and advocating for their health on their behalf at the next doctor's appointment. This time, I am asking for a dietitian referral, since nothing else is working.