Keys, Wallet, Phone, Rep Payee???

We all know what we need to remember whenever we need to leave our homes and go somewhere. We all go through the mental checklist, even going so far as to pat our pockets, to remember our keys, our wallet, and our cell phone. What do you do when your loved one starts forgetting these things?

I can tell you what my dad did. He literally made himself infinite copies of his apartment key. We honestly have no ideas how many spare keys to his home were floating around. And when he realized that he honestly could not remember to carry a key for his home with him each time he left, he gave a spare copy to his neighbor and would have his neighbor unlock his apartment every time he came home. Every. Time. That is one nice neighbor.

What do you do when your loved one tells you that the keys that have literally worked on the house for more than three decades no longer work? What do you do when your loved one decides, that since these keys do not work, that it is time to separate the keys into baggies? What do you do when you hold a spare set of the keys for emergencies, come over to let your loved one back into their home, and they demand the spare key set back? Why? (Because who does not ask "why" in this scenario?) Because they are angry that you have a spare set of keys to their house, which they forgot they gave you for times like this. I did what I was told: I gave the spare set of keys back.

What happened the next time my loved one was locked out of their house, again? They demanded the spare set of keys back, because they strongly believed I still had them and was lying when I explained that I gave the keys back.

I did not have those keys any longer.

I was having faith in my loved one's ability to be independent and competent for their own lives.

However, the frequency of this loved one forgetting their keys, their phone, or anything else that is important to carry when venturing out for errands or an appointment that is normal for them to carry is increasing.

Unfortunately, this also occurs with other aspects of their lives, such as appointment date cards and details surrounding their own health and life. After almost every appointment, regardless of what the appointment was for, I have to go over the details with my loved one each time, at their request. I am happy to do so; this is what I signed up for. I am patient, calm, completely honest, and repeat the details as many times as necessary; however, I do feel the jab of animosity in their tone because they believe they had information withheld from them, even if that is untrue.

Last night, for instance, I had to go over information from the last appointment, which had been a few days prior. I am nonjudgmental in the fact that they need to be reassured or have their questions answered; however, the way in which they chose to approach the topic of their concern really hurts sometimes. They are accusatory that I am withholding things that were quite literally handed to them, specifically an appointment card for their next appointment.

Not only are they forgetting that the doctor does not make their own schedule during the visit, but now it is being forgotten that their literal doctor does not hand them anything regarding appointment reminder cards. It is always through the nurse or the receptionist. Correcting this, however careful and gentle I am about the situation, is mentally draining because I have no idea what wording will set off the anger and animosity in my loved one.

And at 10 o'clock at night, deescalating their animosity and anger is far more tedious than trying to word the information in their mannerism after a restful night of sleep. Interestingly enough, my loved one, once I was able to deescalate the assault on my presumed withholding, was able to find the "missing" appointment card when I reminded them that the receptionist stapled it to her papers.

This brings on the question of when is it appropriate to begin asking for a diagnosis? When is it appropriate to ask for a referral to a Neurologist? When is it appropriate to take on more responsibility for our loved ones? Whether that is taking over all or part of their paperwork, finances, alleviating a known cause of stress, or simply making appointments and juggling their schedule for them. Perhaps it is all of these that your loved one needs.

The answer is not straightforward here. It is a massive gray area.

If your loved one is able to still make their own appointments and able to remember to pay their own bills on time, let them.

Continue to help them and be an extra set of eyes, ears, and a walking memory card for them. At some point, however, there needs to be conversations about adding your own name to their accounts, though. This is only if they do, in fact, trust you and you are trustworthy and honest with them. This is also a very difficult conversation to have because it may make them feel like you are impeding on their independence.

If you are finding that:

• they are having difficulty with remembering what purchases they had made

• they do not understand their billing statements and ask you to look it over and explain it to them each month

• they are unable to follow instructions, descriptions, or a list of expenses/details/etc. when provided verbally

• they are having difficulty with reading comprehension. They can read, but they have no idea what any of it means!

• they are unsure of how to deal with and correct their credit card if it has been fraudulently used and becomes frozen

• they are having difficulty with basic math to balance their own check book or add up costs, even when they write it on paper

• they are cognizant of their own inability to remember their information and believe it is logical to carry their banking account numbers and other personally sensitive information with them everywhere, written down all together, in their wallet. They believe this is a good idea. (It is not!)

• they do not understand how much is in their banking account without calling the bank or physically going to their bank to request a statement each time they want to make a purchase

• they seem to be consistently losing and finding their credit card

• you have had to pay for their errands while out whenever they have misplaced their credit card (or form of preferred payment) and did not remember that they could not find it before standing in front of a cash register, and they lose the receipts and forget to you pay back or are unable to add up the totals from their receipts, usually before losing the receipts

• they behave as though they have no money at all to spend on their needs

• they no longer remember how to use their cell phone

• they do not understand that their credit card company will contact them immediately on their cell phone, if a purchase is flagged

• they forget to pay all their bills and/or do not remember to pay their bills on time each month

• you are finding yourself walking them through forms that they need to fill out themselves and helping them with their own personal information for each line, including where to put their own name.

• they forget how to use their keys to their house (I am not kidding!) and/or are consistently misplacing and losing their keys, garage door remotes, etc. and finding themselves locked out of their own home

• they are unable to look a piece of paper with someone else's name on it and recognize that it does not belong to them

it may be time for the difficult conversation to request that you be added to their accounts as an authorized user or Rep Payee.

Again, everyone is different, and this is a huge gray area for needing the next phase of assistance and responsibility from you. Also, try your hardest to not force the situation because it is still their life. They do need to be in control. They do need their independence. They also need to be safe with their finances and have that safeguarded.

The main indicator for whether they need this next step is in the frequency in which they are unable to do these basic adult skills necessary for living independently.

Does this happen every once in a while? Does it happen a few times a year? Every month? Every week? Every other day? Every day? Multiple times a day??

Are you over at their home every week going over these details with them? Do they call you approximately every two days to ask the same questions about the same things? Do they blindly agree to expenses when they want something but then ask you to explain the details again immediately after leaving the appointment, store, or salesperson's presence, when you thought they understood everything? And then call you to come over to look at and explain their credit card statement when it arrives to go over the same expenses again?

If the answer is no, then you are fortunate.

If the answer is yes, then you need to calmly talk with your loved one and try to take action as their P.O.A. to be able to watch over and protect their financial well-being.

Becoming a Rep Payee is a large step, and it needs to be made by the person that is most trustworthy, honest, and responsible. If you are already their P.O.A., most likely you are responsible enough for this next stage. This is for you.

As P.O.A., you will most likely be the one to remember to carry their phone, keys, wallet, and other daily necessities for them as time progresses. Hopefully, they will be fine with that in the long run. Until then, be patient and kind with them (and yourself!). While this is a stressful situation to assess, make sure you are prepared to wait patiently for your loved one to be ready to relinquish some of their control to you.

Remember, you are not in charge of their finances at this point, if they are able to remain mostly independent; you are purely safeguarding it for your loved one and making sure nothing fraudulent is occurring while making sure your loved one is getting all their bills paid and not over drafting their accounts. Everything in little steps, unless there is a reason to take over everything at the same time, which was the situation with my dad. Otherwise, I suggest having a discussion about being added onto a bank account with them to begin, but do not push for Rep Payee. It is a lot of responsibility at once anyway.

With my loved one? Little steps. And plenty of reminders for checking for their phone, keys, and wallet whenever we go out together, even when I am the one that uses their cell phone with them now and uses their key to unlock their door every time they proclaim "it doesn't work."

**This information is not to be used for malicious intent and is provided purely for guidance for a difficult part of life in the caregiving journey. Information here is generalized for the discernment for each caregiver's situation. This is also not financial advice and should not be used as such.**